Well, that was Mallorca.

Not a bad holiday spot if I do say so myself, but not one I’ll return to with massive haste either. First of all, should you decide to go to Mallorca at some point, for God’s sake DON’T go in the summer! It’s like a bloody oven! Temperatures averaged in the high 30°’s during the day, and never got below 25°C at night. Now, this wouldn’t be so bad if everything was air conditioned, but nothing is there. To be fair though, by the end of the holiday I had adjusted quite well to the heat, but I certainly couldn’t sunbathe for very long without immersion in water. It would be more sensible to journey there in spring or autumn, when the heat is less intense.

After finally escaping Palma airport (a construction of nightmarishly Byzantine complexity), and the run down sprawl of Palma itself, we soon arrived at Port de Soller, a town about the size of Macduff (with slopes to match) on the north shore. The town is a lower key tourist trap that most places on the island, with fairly good views but a totally crap beach. The water is permanently murky due to heaps of yacht moored there, including, whist we were there, the royal yacht from Jordan.

Geographically, Mallorca is amazing. The island is one great chunk of mountainous semi-volcanic, beige rock, interspersed with some of the most perseverant trees I have ever seen. The roads that wind round give priceless views over the desert pines and olive groves that cling madly to the sides. Up in the mountains there are some very impressive villages, the construction of which boggles the mind as to how exactly it was achieved. Another thing which is pretty impressive in its construction is the 4km long tunnel that has been bored through the side of a mountain, connecting Palma with Soller. It’s long, dark, and like a road version of Euro tunnel. Only through a mountain. Obviously.

Not so impressive is the human impact upon Mallorca, leaving it stained with all the traditional tourist town tack was well are more depressing fare: Burger King, anyone? Indeed, the modern human presence on the island has ruined what was otherwise an astounding formation in the Mediterranean, a prime example being Port de Pollenca or the northern peninsula. Filled to the brim with what Basil Fawlty would call “riff-raff”, each one swaggering after their Whatney’s Red Barrell, no doubt.

The flora and fauna is quite interesting, with quite a lot to see at the small but concentrated botanic gardens in Soller, as well as 50 or so Black Vultures on the island (feel very lucky if you ever see them), as well as a weird moth that looks, moves and behaves exactly like a humming bird. Weird.

But the best thing about Mallora is underwater. The Diving there is excellent, with crystal clear water. And despite the Mediterranean’s pollution there was a huge amount of things to see including Groupers, Stingray, Lobsters, Octopus and massive schools BIG BLOODY BARRACUDA AS LONG AS YOUR ARM!

Needless to say, I was massively impressed. I would return to Mallorca for a diving holiday at the drop of a hat. Absolutely fan-tastic (it’s also a great excuse to ogle petite, giggling Danish au-pair types in skin-tight neoprene…)

Anyway, that’s what there is to do in Mallorca. As of tomorrow, I’ll be away again.

Destination: Amsterdam